The Human has been a little subdued today. Clearly she is showing the appropriate amount of mourning for an occasion when one of The Cause passes on to be with Bast.

Because we have a certain whimsical fondness for the Human - not to mention the fact that she is somewhat useful - Agent N and I have been attempting to cheer her up by encouraging her to play with us. She is doing something with pieces of paper on the dining table so we have been showing her how to paper sledge. Also we have been taking those little bent wire clips and dashing off with them so she has to come and retrieve them. Similarly with some intriguing short pieces of green string with metal ends.

Sadly, she refuses to get out the rubber bands, which are the most fun to use to play with a Human.

She just keeps shouting out us, even if we creep up behind her and try to make her jump by shouting - or leaping onto her shoulder.

Honestly. You'd think she would at least try to make an effort.

I am sad to report that Elder Statesman Hoover died this afternoon at about 2.00 p.m. B.S.T. in his sleep from a heart attack.

He had been unwell for some time and a large, inoperable tumour was found in his stomach on Saturday.

The Cause has lost a great adherent and he will be missed.

This means that we now get to finish up his very expensive special diet which the Human wasn't letting us share. However, we forgive her this as she is quite upset about this as well.

Calm has been restored to H.Q.

The Apocalypse has ended.

We're still trying to work out exactly what has been done, but large rectangular sheets of metal have appeared on the walls and they become hot at various times of the day, although oddly not during the hours of darkness, which is just when you want to be really toasty. There is also a new, super-duper heat and power source in the cupboard on the landing.

Agent Norbert says that this was all part of his master plan, but I'm telling you he was first out the StarFlap when the destruction started.

Meanwhile, Field Operative Sam from next door has tried to start his own blog by hacking into his Human's computer. Whilst one must applaud his initiative, he appears to have fundamentally misunderstood the nature of computer "hacking" and tried to physically break into the machine.

His Human now needs something called A New Monitor.

Finally, we manage to contact the outside world. The Human has been dominating all methods of communication and now we discover why.

The world is ending.

There have been bangings and crashings and burning and the sounds of things being tortured. Norbert assures me that all this is part of his plan, but I think he's lying about that. What plan would involve the removal of all sources of heat from the Top Secret HQ?

We have been imprisoned in the kitchen. The Dowager Duchess and Elder Statesman Woofle immediately fled through the StarFlap; I felt it my duty to stay at my post throughout, though.

The Human appears from time to time and is surprisingly untroubled.

I am sure that this will change.

At the moment all is calm; we are awaiting the storm.

Oh my goodness gracious me, what a weekend.

The Human decided that she would embark on a spot of DIY. This, for the feline readers amongst you, is called Do It Yourself. Humans do this because, presumably, they are too inept to Get Someone Else To Do It For Them as cats do.

And Humans wonder why we look down on them.

Anyway, Agent Norbert took the chance, in the midde of all that banging and crashing, to mount a major expedition through the StarFlap. He was away several hours and nearly didn't make it back. Actually, he was so late back from the mission that the Human noticed that he'd gone. N. did return in one piece but not before the Human and the ArchEnemy's Human (who is distressingly wise in the hiding places of cats¹) had spent half an hour wandering around the neighbourhood looking for him and calling his name².

When N finally made his re-appearance in the house, the Human was distinctly unimpressed.

N has been on tenterhooks for the last couple of days; he won't even tell me where he's been. The Human has now got a new kitchen bin which is blocking the way to the back of the washing maching where the StarFlap is. Personally, I think that N. needs to work on calming the Human for a bit longer. All these away missions are beginning to make him forget who the brains of This Cause is.

Meanwhile - schadenfreude. The ArchEnemy has now shagged so many females that he's lost all the fur on his tail and can't go to shows.

Ha!

My tail is, of course, beautifully furry.

1. Apart from one summer where the Dowager Duchess evaded detection for over 24 hours. The ArchEnemy's Human had to contact the Human to ask where she might be. Note to self - tell N. that we might have a possible ocation for a secondary StarFlap.
2. It was a tense moment for The Cause, but it cannot be denied that the sound of two Humans wandering round yelling "Norbs, Norbs, Norbs" was quite entertaining.

The Human has been Hell on Wheels to live with recently, mostly due to some strange dietary thing. In a rare moment of household solidarity we've all been trying to persuade her that quality protein is something that a body needs to work properly.

As has been observed (almost certainly by a cat) vegetables are not food; they are what food eats.

Today we finally got her to eat fish. And hurrah! A sane Human again. The fact that we have had left overs is totally irrelevant to our thinking.

Meanwhile, the StarFlap project has gone live. Agent Norbert keeps emerging in the kitchen and having to be let out. He won't say where he's been, so if any of you have seen a rather confused looking brown cat wandering around I'd be grateful if you could make sure no harm comes to him.

Well, no serious harm, at any rate.

N. also says that he planted an experimental explosive device in the Human's fridge (and given her recent moods that was brave to the point of being foolhardy, I can tell you). Apparently, he did something to a bottle of orange juice so that when the Human shook it and opened it, it exploded all over her. I didn't see the incident although I heard the wails from the Human.

N. claims complete success in this. I'd be more inclined to believe him if he wasn't trying to surreptitiously lick sticky orange bits off his own fur.

Agent Norbert tells me that there will soon be news on the StarFlap as the Human has been persuaded to clear out all the bits and pieces that were preventing N. from getting behind the washing machine. As from tomorrow he will again be risking being pulled out backwards by his tail for the Cause.

Several months concentrated mind control has paid off and we're back to sleeping with the Human. I can't recommend Humans highly enough as a way of keeping warm on cold winter nights. They have thick covers that you can crawl under and then you can sleep up against them. They don't go cold in the night, although they do wriggle about a bit.

This can be discouraged with the judicious use of claws.

Right ho, chaps, time for another technical update. And it's good news all the way.

The StarFlap is nearly ready for a new field test. F.O Sam's Human was successfully duped into bringing back lots of classified material from her number one male kitten. It's now been passed on and is being analysed as we speak.

More Human disruption is expected in the very near future as well as more of the weather control systems come online. I thought we were a goner when we lost the stocks of pale loose cat hair but the Dowager Duchess has come up trumps and it's all been replaced. Keep an eye out and take my advice - this is not a time to be planning lengthy outside excursions.

Our Beloved Leader has been a bit distracted due to his urgent work on international relations with visiting Humans From Abroad. There is something afoot in the Human World - something to do with a Human book about cats called Mrs Norris and Crookshanks - and this seems to require a large convocation of Humans. It could prove to be the largest single intelligence sharing opportunity since OBL appeared at the Supreme Cat Show in 2004.

Very exciting times, indeed.

The Human tackled me to the ground at the top of the stairs.

The prize pointy bits on my claws are now history.

Greetings, my kittens. Have you missed me? Silly question, of course you have. I hope you've all been working on your power plays whilst I've been gone.

You may rest easy that The Cause has been proceeding according to plan, but has - in common with all works of genius - been plagued by trivialities. Mostly those of having to fit one's plans for world conquest around one's Human.

First of all, Agent Norbert would like to say that he was quite pleased with the snow. Quite pleased is a bit of an understatement - he's been insufferable for days. It's no use pointing out to him that his aim was badly off - not a flake fell on HQ. If it hadn't been for Human television I'd have been none the wiser and neither, I suspect, would have been N.

The Human has been away visiting which, of course, meant that we were confined to quarters. The indignity of it is that we are "looked after" (and I use the quotation marks advisedly) by the ArchEnemy's Human. The ArchEnemy never misses an opportunity to send messages taunting us. The worst moment was in the early hours of Saturday morning when the ArchEnemy told us he was off to a show. At 5.00 a.m. I ask you; what sane cat would want to be up at that time in the morning?

Naturally, when he got back he sent lots of messages about how admired he'd been and that this judge had said this and that that breeder had said that. Ha! I didn't believe a word of it, and I was right not to because the ArchEnemy's Human was round later and confessed to my Human that the ArchEnemy hadn't won any of the prizes that he claimed to have. The Human was sympathetic because she doesn't understand these things; the ArchEnemy will certainly understand the message that I left on his Human's jacket.

The Human also usefully brought dispatches from Our Cats In the Capital (not to be confused with Our Cats On The Capitol) who provided independent confirmation that the snow had disrupted Human plans nicely. It would be carping to even hint that that might have been more by luck than judgement on the part of N; results are everything after all.

The Elder Statesmen had to go to the vet for their annual checkups and boosters. I believe you all know my feeling on keeping one's vaccinations up to date. I offered to go along, but was refused. Regretfully, neither of them can be persuaded of the priceless opportunities for intelligence that a trip to the vet's offers. Not to mention the chance to parade in front of a specialised audience. Inevitably, the whole thing degenerated into a farce as they protested and came back with stories of being traumatised. That sort of thing never happens when I'm there.

Our Human is now looking after Field Operative Sam and his housemate The Venerable Sooty for a while. His Human has gone away for a trip. According to F.O. Sam his Human's male kitten was a fearsome warrior and is being honoured for it. F.O. Sam thinks that his Human's tom kitten might still have some handy bits and pieces for Agent N to play with just like MacGyver. Then again, I think that F.O. Sam believes that his Human's tom kitten is MacGyver, so make of that what you will.

F.O. Sam also reported that the ArchEnemy had been broadcasting his alleged triumph to the neighbourhood. I was quite happy to set him straight about that and F.O. Sam will spread the news once he's out of confinement himself. That'll shut the ArchEnemy up for a while.

The last indignity was The Pedicure. It's not as bad as The Bath because it doesn't involve water, but it does involve having one's prized sharp bits clipped.

Thankfully, I managed to evade capture and my claws live to fight another day. N, the Elder Statesmen and the Dowager Duchess were not so lucky.