Bill's Blog

The Ingratitude of Humans

2007-04-24T10:48:26Z

The Human has been a little subdued today. Clearly she is showing the appropriate amount of mourning for an occasion when one of The Cause passes on to be with Bast.

Because we have a certain whimsical fondness for the Human - not to mention the fact that she is somewhat useful - Agent N and I have been attempting to cheer her up by encouraging her to play with us. She is doing something with pieces of paper on the dining table so we have been showing her how to paper sledge. Also we have been taking those little bent wire clips and dashing off with them so she has to come and retrieve them. Similarly with some intriguing short pieces of green string with metal ends.

Sadly, she refuses to get out the rubber bands, which are the most fun to use to play with a Human.

She just keeps shouting out us, even if we creep up behind her and try to make her jump by shouting - or leaping onto her shoulder.

Honestly. You'd think she would at least try to make an effort.

R.I.P Elder Statesman Hoover

2007-04-23T16:42:01Z

I am sad to report that Elder Statesman Hoover died this afternoon at about 2.00 p.m. B.S.T. in his sleep from a heart attack.

He had been unwell for some time and a large, inoperable tumour was found in his stomach on Saturday.

The Cause has lost a great adherent and he will be missed.

This means that we now get to finish up his very expensive special diet which the Human wasn't letting us share. However, we forgive her this as she is quite upset about this as well.

Calm and a cautionary tale.

2007-04-14T11:32:39Z

Calm has been restored to H.Q.

The Apocalypse has ended.

We're still trying to work out exactly what has been done, but large rectangular sheets of metal have appeared on the walls and they become hot at various times of the day, although oddly not during the hours of darkness, which is just when you want to be really toasty. There is also a new, super-duper heat and power source in the cupboard on the landing.

Agent Norbert says that this was all part of his master plan, but I'm telling you he was first out the StarFlap when the destruction started.

Meanwhile, Field Operative Sam from next door has tried to start his own blog by hacking into his Human's computer. Whilst one must applaud his initiative, he appears to have fundamentally misunderstood the nature of computer "hacking" and tried to physically break into the machine.

His Human now needs something called A New Monitor.

The Apocalypse - Day 2

2007-04-11T07:57:38Z

Finally, we manage to contact the outside world. The Human has been dominating all methods of communication and now we discover why.

The world is ending.

There have been bangings and crashings and burning and the sounds of things being tortured. Norbert assures me that all this is part of his plan, but I think he's lying about that. What plan would involve the removal of all sources of heat from the Top Secret HQ?

We have been imprisoned in the kitchen. The Dowager Duchess and Elder Statesman Woofle immediately fled through the StarFlap; I felt it my duty to stay at my post throughout, though.

The Human appears from time to time and is surprisingly untroubled.

I am sure that this will change.

At the moment all is calm; we are awaiting the storm.

StarFlaps and Schadenfreude

2007-03-13T16:57:11Z

Oh my goodness gracious me, what a weekend.

The Human decided that she would embark on a spot of DIY. This, for the feline readers amongst you, is called Do It Yourself. Humans do this because, presumably, they are too inept to Get Someone Else To Do It For Them as cats do.

And Humans wonder why we look down on them.

Anyway, Agent Norbert took the chance, in the midde of all that banging and crashing, to mount a major expedition through the StarFlap. He was away several hours and nearly didn't make it back. Actually, he was so late back from the mission that the Human noticed that he'd gone. N. did return in one piece but not before the Human and the ArchEnemy's Human (who is distressingly wise in the hiding places of cats¹) had spent half an hour wandering around the neighbourhood looking for him and calling his name².

When N finally made his re-appearance in the house, the Human was distinctly unimpressed.

N has been on tenterhooks for the last couple of days; he won't even tell me where he's been. The Human has now got a new kitchen bin which is blocking the way to the back of the washing maching where the StarFlap is. Personally, I think that N. needs to work on calming the Human for a bit longer. All these away missions are beginning to make him forget who the brains of This Cause is.

Meanwhile - schadenfreude. The ArchEnemy has now shagged so many females that he's lost all the fur on his tail and can't go to shows.

Ha!

My tail is, of course, beautifully furry.

1. Apart from one summer where the Dowager Duchess evaded detection for over 24 hours. The ArchEnemy's Human had to contact the Human to ask where she might be. Note to self - tell N. that we might have a possible ocation for a secondary StarFlap.
2. It was a tense moment for The Cause, but it cannot be denied that the sound of two Humans wandering round yelling "Norbs, Norbs, Norbs" was quite entertaining.

Miscellany

2007-02-27T13:19:03Z

The Human has been Hell on Wheels to live with recently, mostly due to some strange dietary thing. In a rare moment of household solidarity we've all been trying to persuade her that quality protein is something that a body needs to work properly.

As has been observed (almost certainly by a cat) vegetables are not food; they are what food eats.

Today we finally got her to eat fish. And hurrah! A sane Human again. The fact that we have had left overs is totally irrelevant to our thinking.

Meanwhile, the StarFlap project has gone live. Agent Norbert keeps emerging in the kitchen and having to be let out. He won't say where he's been, so if any of you have seen a rather confused looking brown cat wandering around I'd be grateful if you could make sure no harm comes to him.

Well, no serious harm, at any rate.

N. also says that he planted an experimental explosive device in the Human's fridge (and given her recent moods that was brave to the point of being foolhardy, I can tell you). Apparently, he did something to a bottle of orange juice so that when the Human shook it and opened it, it exploded all over her. I didn't see the incident although I heard the wails from the Human.

N. claims complete success in this. I'd be more inclined to believe him if he wasn't trying to surreptitiously lick sticky orange bits off his own fur.

Quick Update

2007-02-18T16:43:20Z

Agent Norbert tells me that there will soon be news on the StarFlap as the Human has been persuaded to clear out all the bits and pieces that were preventing N. from getting behind the washing machine. As from tomorrow he will again be risking being pulled out backwards by his tail for the Cause.

Several months concentrated mind control has paid off and we're back to sleeping with the Human. I can't recommend Humans highly enough as a way of keeping warm on cold winter nights. They have thick covers that you can crawl under and then you can sleep up against them. They don't go cold in the night, although they do wriggle about a bit.

This can be discouraged with the judicious use of claws.

Attention all kittens

2007-02-06T16:12:53Z

Right ho, chaps, time for another technical update. And it's good news all the way.

The StarFlap is nearly ready for a new field test. F.O Sam's Human was successfully duped into bringing back lots of classified material from her number one male kitten. It's now been passed on and is being analysed as we speak.

More Human disruption is expected in the very near future as well as more of the weather control systems come online. I thought we were a goner when we lost the stocks of pale loose cat hair but the Dowager Duchess has come up trumps and it's all been replaced. Keep an eye out and take my advice - this is not a time to be planning lengthy outside excursions.

Our Beloved Leader has been a bit distracted due to his urgent work on international relations with visiting Humans From Abroad. There is something afoot in the Human World - something to do with a Human book about cats called Mrs Norris and Crookshanks - and this seems to require a large convocation of Humans. It could prove to be the largest single intelligence sharing opportunity since OBL appeared at the Supreme Cat Show in 2004.

Very exciting times, indeed.

I spoke too soon.

2007-01-31T14:42:15Z

The Human tackled me to the ground at the top of the stairs.

The prize pointy bits on my claws are now history.

A Miscellancy of Minor Inconvenience

2007-01-30T15:35:01Z

Greetings, my kittens. Have you missed me? Silly question, of course you have. I hope you've all been working on your power plays whilst I've been gone.

You may rest easy that The Cause has been proceeding according to plan, but has - in common with all works of genius - been plagued by trivialities. Mostly those of having to fit one's plans for world conquest around one's Human.

First of all, Agent Norbert would like to say that he was quite pleased with the snow. Quite pleased is a bit of an understatement - he's been insufferable for days. It's no use pointing out to him that his aim was badly off - not a flake fell on HQ. If it hadn't been for Human television I'd have been none the wiser and neither, I suspect, would have been N.

The Human has been away visiting which, of course, meant that we were confined to quarters. The indignity of it is that we are "looked after" (and I use the quotation marks advisedly) by the ArchEnemy's Human. The ArchEnemy never misses an opportunity to send messages taunting us. The worst moment was in the early hours of Saturday morning when the ArchEnemy told us he was off to a show. At 5.00 a.m. I ask you; what sane cat would want to be up at that time in the morning?

Naturally, when he got back he sent lots of messages about how admired he'd been and that this judge had said this and that that breeder had said that. Ha! I didn't believe a word of it, and I was right not to because the ArchEnemy's Human was round later and confessed to my Human that the ArchEnemy hadn't won any of the prizes that he claimed to have. The Human was sympathetic because she doesn't understand these things; the ArchEnemy will certainly understand the message that I left on his Human's jacket.

The Human also usefully brought dispatches from Our Cats In the Capital (not to be confused with Our Cats On The Capitol) who provided independent confirmation that the snow had disrupted Human plans nicely. It would be carping to even hint that that might have been more by luck than judgement on the part of N; results are everything after all.

The Elder Statesmen had to go to the vet for their annual checkups and boosters. I believe you all know my feeling on keeping one's vaccinations up to date. I offered to go along, but was refused. Regretfully, neither of them can be persuaded of the priceless opportunities for intelligence that a trip to the vet's offers. Not to mention the chance to parade in front of a specialised audience. Inevitably, the whole thing degenerated into a farce as they protested and came back with stories of being traumatised. That sort of thing never happens when I'm there.

Our Human is now looking after Field Operative Sam and his housemate The Venerable Sooty for a while. His Human has gone away for a trip. According to F.O. Sam his Human's male kitten was a fearsome warrior and is being honoured for it. F.O. Sam thinks that his Human's tom kitten might still have some handy bits and pieces for Agent N to play with just like MacGyver. Then again, I think that F.O. Sam believes that his Human's tom kitten is MacGyver, so make of that what you will.

F.O. Sam also reported that the ArchEnemy had been broadcasting his alleged triumph to the neighbourhood. I was quite happy to set him straight about that and F.O. Sam will spread the news once he's out of confinement himself. That'll shut the ArchEnemy up for a while.

The last indignity was The Pedicure. It's not as bad as The Bath because it doesn't involve water, but it does involve having one's prized sharp bits clipped.

Thankfully, I managed to evade capture and my claws live to fight another day. N, the Elder Statesmen and the Dowager Duchess were not so lucky.

Just to clarify ...

2007-01-20T12:20:48Z

... the recent high winds were nothing to do with me or (and astonishing as this is to believe) Agent N. Apart from anything else, the loose fur stocks are still seriously depleted, the biro supply is at zero and we're still working on access to a supply of compressed gas.

As the weather has now improved I've had some up to date reports from Field Operative Sam, who's been around the neighbourhood keeping his paw on the pulse. It seems that the ArchEnemy has managed to get through yet another girlfriend - not that we couldn't have guessed that from the bad porno film screams that have been coming from his Cozy Nest of Lurrve.

The truly shocking thing about this is that his last girlfriend is pregnant - and may I remind you that we're only talking about Christmas here. I don't imagine he has the first intention of paying kitten support. In fact, he says that he's so handsome that people pay him for the privilege of a night of passion.

I don't believe a word of it. I'm much better looking than he is and no one's offered me so much as a sniff of catnip for a quick snuggle. Then there's the intelligence angle. You don't see the ArchEnemy mounting a campaign to rule the world, do you? I doubt he could spell "world" let alone "campaign". Anyway, he's far more interested in mounting other things.

Humans are perverse creatures really. They wash and scrub and pour all sorts of weird and wonderful smells over themselves - and yet, when they get the first whiff of a bit of natural chappishness it's up the vets to have your nads whipped off in short order. Then they sit around moaning about how hard it is to find decent nads these days, and how much you have to pay for access to the few sets that remain.

Look, people, if they're that important, leave them where they are in the first place, eh? Problem solved. It's not rocket science and frankly it does wonders for the waistline.

Will the person who stole the Human please return her?

2007-01-12T12:33:38Z

She's been at it again.

I know that Our Beloved Leader can talk calmly about the Human cleaning under and behind things, thus destroying months of work and preparation, but it's jolly annoying if it's the fruits of your labour that are being cheerfully hoovered up.

Before Christmas it was the sofas. Today it was the fridge/freezer.

Bast be thanked, we were were on alert after the Christmas near disaster and steps had been taken to move some of the more sensitive projects. Still, we lost an antique catnip mouse, three calgon tablets that I'd been saving for another attempt at the Smokescreen Project and the rest of our supply of loose cat hair. I do have to say, though, the Dowager Duchess has been an absolute trooper about getting the fur supplies replenished. I've never seen a cat moult like it.

Fortunately, the Human missed all the projects preserved in the pack ice of the top shelf freezer drawer.

In other news, we had welcome dispatches from the Thames Valley area. Not someone we were expecting, but OBL made sure that she had plenty of information to take away with her to her own cats. Soon the Home Counties will be ours!

The StarFlap project continues well. A good night's work was had in the kitchen sorting out various technical hitches. Am just waiting for the opportunity to try another test run.

We've been paying close attention to the Stargate SG1 training DVDs. Was particularly interested to see something about acquiring superpowers, especially the power to move very fast - actually at the speed of blur. Apparently, humans need some kind of device to do this, but as far as I can see it's only going to take a small refinement of our natural abilities to get the same results. I've been experimenting and have achieved intermittent blur. Unfortunately, the blur always resolves just at the point that the Human notices that something is amiss, so I've had to go back to napping for a while to allay her suspicions. It's tough, but I'm committed to the job.

The best laid plans of cats and other cats ...

2007-01-08T13:27:53Z

Greetings and a somewhat belated Happy New Calendar Cycle to you.

I must say, this Christmas season is certainly disruptive to the quiet progression of world domination.

Firstly, the Human has been around much more than ever.

Then, she decides that the house has to be "Clean For Santa". Now, we are used to this. The Human does actually clean things from time to time, but we have observed her routine and have a detailed plain for circumventing it. Not this time. This time she decides that furniture must be moved and cleaned under. Now, if you can't store Top Secret materials under the sofa where can you store them?

We lost three biros, one propelling pencil, one empty biro tube, five catnip mice and a hair scrunchie. Not to mention months of carefully collected loose cat fur and some mysterious biological entities that Agent Norbert won't talk about. Needless to say, N is devastated, but thinks he's saved enough to pick up the research programme fairly soon.

Then, she decides to go away. I think I have mentioned this before. We were confined to quarters as expected, but worse, the ArchEnemy's Human was responsible for our care. Well, after the setbacks, that's all I needed: pheromonal taunts from the Great Brown Idiot. Apparently he has been Entertaining Ladies over the holiday season. In His Bachelor Pad. With His Sunken Beds and All His Conveniences Available At The Flick Of A Claw.

And there were some other details that nobody needs to know about.

I confess I became a little tetchy at that, and have had to spend some time re-ingratiating myself with the Human who can be surprisingly prudish about certain types of language.

Then the Human developed some form of Human illness (have I mentioned the importance of regular vaccinations?). This meant that the Cause has been on High Alert. The Human had to be closely monitored, especially after the cleaning frenzy (clearly a indicator of oncoming sickness). This took the form of teams of three taking prime positions on the blanket under which she was laying and pinning her to the sofa on a rotating shift basis. I'm happy to report that the Elder Statesmen were very reliable at this, and even the Dowager Duchess consented to take a spell or two.

N reports that the only positive thing is that the Human was influenced to watch Stargate, and N has collected some new information to use in the development of the StarFlap. MacGyver is truly wise in these matters.

I think the danger is over, but we cannot be too careful.

Seasonal Felicitations

2006-12-27T20:39:15Z

Greetings, my kittens.

I hope that Santa Claws brought you plenty of wrapping paper, bags and boxes and that your Humans were sufficiently inattentive so as to leave lots of tasty morsels within paw-reach.

As the Human has been at home, my access to the computer has been sadly limited but I have managed to squeeze in some time to thank my loyal supporters for their good wishes.

Also, I would like to assure everyone that Agent Norbert has been under my personal supervision at all times and that any recent unusual occurences in Australia involving snow had nothing to do with him. He is also absolutely not responsible for the England bowling tactics being leaked to the press.

My Human will be away for the next few days which means that we will be confined to quarters. Clearly this infringement on our civil liberties will be addressed as soon as the revolution comes but until then we are at the mercy of Human whims and prejudices.

Technical update

2006-12-23T16:10:15Z

Agent Norbert here! Just to keep you up to speed on the technical side of the coming revolution.

I have good news! I have successfully completed a field test of the first attempts to confound the Humans. Working from Our Beloved Leader's notes, made during careful study of MacGyver, I assembled many commonly used and easily obtainable household chemicals and mixed them together hoping to produce a chemical reaction resulting in thick, cold grey/white clouds - the purpose of this being to increase out ability to move about unobserved by the Humans.

What a result! HQ was engulfed in dense fog making it almost impossible to see. First reports from Field Operative Sam (The Spy Who Came In From The Cold) suggested that it was centred over HQ, with surrounding areas being quite clear. Humans confounded; job well done, surely?

Ahem. Yes. Well. Honesty compels me to admit that there were one or two minor teething problems.

Later reports confirmed that there were not quite as many clear areas as I first thought. (F.O. Sam being not only The Spy Who Came In From The Cold, but also The Spy Who Had No Intention Of Going Back Out There)

Strictly speaking, this was only supposed to be a localised experiment and I hadn't actually intended to ground all flights from southern England for three days.

I think the problems lies in my misreading of some of OBL's notes. Lacking, as he does, opposable thumbs, his pawwriting sometimes leaves a little to be desired. I shall revise his instructions and check the quantities before I try again.

I gather that some people are quite cross about the whole massive delays at peak travel time issue. I can't see why but it seems wise to lay low for a little while until everyone has forgotten about it.

Disaster Averted

2006-12-20T17:31:40Z

We had a close shave today and no mistake.

We lost the Human.

We could hear her voice, but we couldn't see her.

Finally she was located in the roof of all places. Worse, she was pulling things down from the roof and putting other things up there. At one point I thought she was going to crawl to the back to investigate what was in the boxes that have been pushed to the back of the boarded over area. Of course, they contain all of Agent Norbert's prototype inventions. I know that most of them don't work and will never work, but some of them do. That is, he tells me that some of them do and I suppose, on the basis of the infinite number of monkeys theory, that eventually he will come up with something useful and effective.

Well, we couldn't risk them being discovered, so I was forced to walk about at the bottom of the ladder crying, trying to make the Human believe that I was worried about her and couldn't find her. Eventually, I distracted her from any fledgling inclination to tidy up the roof space and The Cause was saved.

Definitely a knee trembler there for a moment, though.

N. says in his defence (and I must admit that he does have a point) that he couldn't have predicted from her general housekeeping abilities that the Human would show the remotest interest in clearing out the roof space.

And all this talk of fledglings has made me peckish.

Policy Statement: On Dogs

2006-12-18T19:21:53Z

As word of The Cause spreads, I find the D-word being used more and more, so I thought that it was time to clarify the policy on Dogs.

Contrary to popular belief, it is not the intention of The Cause to eradicate all Dogs to prove our superiority. After all, that superiority should be self-evident to any dispassionate observer and any attempt to establish it would be, if you pardon the expression, like clawing a puppy.

No, there is a place for dogs in the New World Order: to the extent that Humans are useful to us and that dogs amuse Humans we are prepared to allow them to co-exist.

Subject, of course, to certain rules:

1. No sniffing of any body part belonging to another species is permitted without specific authorisation from the Administration of Sniffing Committee. Countersigned. In triplicate. Such authorisation must be carried by, or otherwise securely affixed to, the individual dog at all times. Authorisations will not be transferrable.

2. Cats have priority of bedding at all times.

3. Cats have priority of food at all times.

4. Cats have priority of access to shelter at all times.

5. In cases not provided for by paragraphs 2 to 4 above, and in any other cases of doubt, cats shall have priority unless that priority shall be expressly relinquished.

6. Chasing any cat will be met with the immediate use of unreasonable force. This will include, but shall not be limited to, the use of teeth, claws and ear-splitting yowls of complaint to the nearest Human.

Nothing in the above rules shall prejudice the right of any individual cat or cats to determine specific arrangements within their own households.

I hope this clarifies things. Good luck with sorting matters out with your own particular dog.

The Vet

2006-12-15T18:14:36Z

Today was my annual pre-Christmas trip to allow the vet a chance to admire me and comment about how handsome and well groomed I am.

It is also the chance to top up my flu jabs. I know that many of us dislike these trips but I, personally, believe that it is my duty to keep myself in tip top health. I could not risk the Future of the Cause by succumbing to illness - and let's be honest, the alternatives to the injections are too awful to think about. Not only that, why should I pass up an opportunity for my adoring public to see me?

Naturally I was in tip top condition and, although the vet had to eventually tear himself away from me to see to other clients, I was able to leave much information about the Cause around the consulting room for the next cat to retrieve.

This trip was also a chance to show my great magnanimity for I was also there to accompany one of The Elder Statesmen for his blood pressure check. The Elder Statesmen are two elderly gentlemen who live with me* and who have the usual variety of elderly gentlemen complaints. Woofle (the younger of the ES) has something of a nervous disposition so my job was to reassure him whilst the Human drank coffee and he hid under the ultrasound machine. I carried out a thorough exploration of the room and talked him out from his hiding place (note to self: the vet has much useful equipment which we must acquire for the Cause in due course). Thanks to my efforts, all was well.

At one point the Human considered that Agent N. could provide paw holding.

The Human is very stupid sometimes.

*There is also the Dowager Duchess MogJob. She is fearsome of tooth and claw and should not be lightly disturbed.

Random Updates

2006-12-13T22:15:21Z

Even the most worthy cause occasionally has its slow days. There is little to report, my kittens. The Human has been woefully occupied in places that are (inexplicably) cat-less, such as places of Human Employment, so Agent Norbert's Pheromone Communication System has had limited field trials.

Agent N was also due to do a long range test of the StarFlap - from the washing machine to Billingsgate Fish Market. He managed to fool the Human long enough to get shut in the kitchen, but due to technical difficulties (or so he says - I remain unconvinced of the viability of any project that is not heavily reliant on duct tape - or gaffer tape as we call it), well, suffice it to say that he remained shut in the kitchen. He tried to tell us the mission had succeeded but The Nose never lies.

Information from Field Operative Sam suggests that he has managed to learn to operate the DVD drawer in his Human's house - that is, he has managed to persuade his Human that he looks cute trying to bat at the drawer as it slides in and out. He tells us he's also nearly succeeded in brainwashing his Human's Best Friend into watching McGyver, so all proceeds well there.

We still remain shockingly excluded from rooms containing human bedding.

The fight continues.

Covert Communications

2006-12-10T13:17:44Z

Hello everybody! N here. Thought you might like an update on some of the more technical aspects of the plan.

The StarFlap Project is continuing well. Have persuaded The Human to acquire some new research material (she calls it Seasons 4 and 5 of something for some reason) so am looking forward to extending the network internationally in the near future.

Meanwhile, I've been applying my mind to the question of communications. Our Leader likes to rely on his personal network - and I have to admit that it's very good for the local area, but it doesn't help with the situation further afield. So. Here is the solution.

You will probably have noticed that Humans have, from time to time, something called Relationship Difficulties. They tend to work this out from a random collection of circumstantial evidence such as late nights at work on flimsy excuses, unidentified credit card receipts, unknown earrings turning up in odd places and notes saying "I'm leaving you for a woman called Gloria". You know the sort of thing. And the response is so often, "no, you must be imagining things", even when the offending party is on the way down the front path with packed suitcases, the DVD recorder and half the sofa. I'm sure you've all wondered how this confusion could arise when it's obvious to anyone with half a nose that something's been going on for weeks.

After all, you can always tell when Your Human has been unfaithful to you with another cat. They reek of it. Jaw scent everywhere. I know that Humans have a wretched sense of smell, but still.

But it also holds the answer to our problems: I have devised a way of transmitting coded messages in jaw scent. When my Human skritches another cat, that cat can leave a message on her hand (or elsewhere on her body) and I will pick it up by smell later when she gets home. If more than one step is necessary, that cat can simply pass on the message for onwards transmission. I calculate that, applying the principle of six degrees of separation, all cats in the world should be able to transfer information to HQ comparatively quickly and easily.

Early tests have shown positive results, despite some scepticism from Our Leader. A fine leader, but not very - well - N-dimensional in his thinking, shall we say. Experiments are now underway to test the transmission of information via surfaces such as letters and parcels.

So, let's be having this information, chaps. Rub those jaws against anything you can find and, especially at this time of year, let's work on cards, parcels, packages - in fact anything that looks like it might be a gift to someone else.

And don't forget to look cute. The Humans can't be allowed to guess the truth.

The Arch Enemy

2006-12-07T17:49:35Z

He's been out again today - the Arch Enemy, that is.

He lives two gardens away and he thinks that just because he goes off and wins prizes places and has his own place at the bottom of the garden that makes him better than me. The one good thing about the weather (well, the one good thing other than the central heating) is that he stays indoors and I don't have to listen to him. But today was sunny and all you could hear was him telling the world about how Supreme he was.

My Human once thought I should go on display to be pulled about by other humans and have my personal bits made the subject of public comment. Fortunately, the Humans responsible for such comments are more sensible than my Human. I explained to them in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to be stretched, examined and measured, thank you very much and hardly had to back any of it up with the use of claw.

Not only that, I was forced to get up in the early hours of the morning, was placed in a metal cage and then put in the Car (a device that Humans use to travel from A to B - much less efficient than the StarFlap appears to be). And next to me in the Car would be The Arch Enemy, smelling all male and telling me how marvellous he was. As if laying upside down in someone's arms and allowing yourself to be mauled by perfect strangers (including children) is something to be proud of. He may win prizes but I've spent time with him and I can tell you he's thicker than Agent Norbert, and that is a state of mind that beggars belief.

Honestly, how long can anyone be interested in some over-testicled himbo with tight curls, a classic profile and sleek muscles? Does sense of orientation in three dimensional space and ability to form sentences with more than two basic grammatical elements mean nothing any more?

Agent Nobert related fiasco

2006-12-05T18:50:24Z

Note to self: do not go along with plans devised by Agent N, unless they are set out in writing and approved by an independent public enquiry.

Of course, he's still running the StarFlap Programme. However, he's been having trouble getting to the worksite due - he says - to the fact that The Human keeps dumping shopping by the access route. So, he comes up with another bright idea.

We all know that Christmas is the time of Seasonal Cat Toys. The trees to climb, the tinsel to chew and the baubles to play with. Not to mention the wrapping paper, ribbons and boxes. Well, Agent N has been doing some research and it appears that Humans send items to other countries. So, says Agent N, why not us? It didn't sound very difficult - Human takes wrapped item to something called the Post Office - where presumably they have some kind of StarFlap of their own - and then the item goes to another country. All we have to do, said N, is to get into a parcel, we head off to other countries and we can recruit there and get posted back.

Idiot.

First of all, I had to distract the Human whilst N got into the study. Then I slipped in behind her back. N gets into the box, to find that it's not big enough and already has odd things in it. I hide under the desk, waiting for the coast to be clear; we're nearly there and then N gets distracted by the polystyrene tubes that's he's packed with. By the time that he's got it off his tongue, even the Human has noticed we're in there.

Of course, that got us evicted from the study and access to the computer. Well done, Agent N.

Morning after the night before

2006-12-03T14:56:15Z

We had bad weather last night, here at Top Secret HQ. Obviously, I knew all day that this was going to happen. I even tried to warn The Human but of course she didn't understand the nuances of body language and just thought it was me being entertainingly ditzy. Me? Ditzy? I ask you. I don't know how humans manage to communicate. The yowling sounds they make are lamentably inexact. Did you know that there are actually Human films where dogs manage to tell humans that something terrible has happened? When you factor the general level of canine communicative skills in with the the average human comprehension capability, the ludicrousness of the idea must be obvious. If A Human can't even understand that some high winds are on the way, how ever will s/he understand that a small child has fallen down a mine shaft or that a forest fire is approaching?

I'm not even going to start on why anyone would would want to communicate these things as opposed to, say, that a lorry load of fish has crashed on the bypass and there is no time to lose if one wants snaffle the thereby liberated cargo.

Be that as it may, it was imperative that the Human understood about the weather as she has a nasty habit of turning the heating down when she goes out. Mind control eventually did the trick, I am happy to report.

In fact the Human went out to visit the house of the Arch Enemy (of him more in another post).

Needless to say she came home the worse for drink and complained bitterly about having to get up in the night and go out and fix the banging gate. I don't know why this was a problem; it wasn't bothering me. I tried a small amount of mind control to persuade her that as she was up it must be morning and therefore I should be fed. My heart wasn't in it, though and she managed to break free and return to bed. Agent N swears that he tried to influence her to leave the bedroom door open but that didn't work either. Mind you, with Agent N, one is ever certain how hard he's really trying.

Tactics 3 or Loyalty and the Outer Circle

2006-12-01T13:26:29Z

Finally! At last I can get back on to the computer to continue my plans. I don't know what The Human has been doing over the last few days, but she's been shut in the room of hers, muttering to herself and not letting me anywhere near. I tell you, drinking that much coffee hasn't been good for her at all.

So, the next thing that I have to discuss is your wider circle of minions. I don't mean the overseas representatives here, but the local network that supplies you with information, preferably by being too stupid to realise that they're doing it.

Take, for example, Field Operative Sam a.k.a The Big Black Cat From Next Door. Field Operative Sam believes that my garden is his all because he gets away with using a few unimportant flower beds for - well, I'm sure I don't need to spell it out for you. It is actually all part of the plan to secure his loyalty, a honeytrap if you will (or possibly honeywagon - I'm not entirely clear on the usage. As a rule the use of any type of honey should be avoided as it is a right bugger to get out of your coat). F.O. Sam roams the neighbourhood covertly - insofar as a cat that can only climb the fence with a leg up and, not only that, can be heard from at least three doors away can be said to do anything covertly - or, indeed, be said to be able to roam.

Notwithstanding the occasional drawback, F.O. Sam tells me much about what goes on round and about. He calls it Localised Intelligence or Local Intel (or even LocInt when he gets really carried away). F.O. Sam throws himself into the role and I have long suspected that his Human allows him to watch far too much CNN.

So, kittens, go out and find yourself some operatives and don't be afraid to sacrifice a few flower beds to The Cause. Your Human will understand. And if you suspect that they may be unreasonably attached to those small plant things then you can always eat the evidence and who's to say there was ever anything there in the first place? A word, though: if you try this you may find that this is merely a temporary method of disposal. Please try to remember that hiding in plain sight does not apply to vomit except in very, very specialised circumstances.

Just remember: cuteness will turn away wrath and anyway, what are a few useless plants when compared with the New World Order?

Tactics 2 or On Camouflage.

2006-11-28T15:47:41Z

This post, my kittens, is about being seen. Or rather, not being seen.

This goes aganst the grain for most of us. After all, what is the point of being devastatingly attractive if people can't see you to admire you. Sometimes, however, we have to conceal ourselves for the greater good. We're all quite used to selecting our background according to the two main principles. Firstly, contrast (dark cat on light surface, for example). I, myself, am a Warm Autumn, and show off to spendid advantage against deep reds and russets. Secondly, there is the always important aggravation factor to Humans (dark cat on light clothing, for example). And as you can see the two principles often happily coincide. Now, it's time to put away your Trinny and Susannah's What Not To Sit On and to follow this simple rule:

Find something the same colour as you and sit on it or stand near it.

Tabbies, you should find this pretty easy. You already have the broken silhouette which should enable you to blend against almost any pattern. I say almost any pattern. Let's not forget that stripes and big flowers are never a good idea. Yes, sometimes your mother was right. Chintz is no one's friend.

For the rest of you, if you can't get your colours done then experiment until you've got it right. You'll know when you do, because your Human will start saying things like, "Bloody cat, I nearly went arse over teakettle down the stairs with you sitting there." Yes, they really do say things like this. No, I don't know what it means either, but as long as it means something to them ...

On a final note - black and white cats? You will never blend in with a fuchsia bush. Just deal with it, OK?